[The offering plate hat was not one of my better stewardship ideas.]
My first pastoral church appointment was when I was attending seminary in 1986. In total, I have had the honor and privilege of serving in six church appointments during the course of my full-time ministry. Since retirement in 2023, I have been appointed part-time to two churches in the South Carolina Annual Conference where new memories are being made.
In celebration of these 40 years of pastoral ministry, I have put together some of the more humorous and quirky church moments that have happened to me. And these are in no particular order. Once in a while, it's good to reflect on the lighter side of church life. Enjoy!
"I was glad when they said to me, 'Let us go to the house of the Lord.'" - Psalm 122:1
Plumbing 101
When the notes of the processional hymn are about to begin, you never know when someone might frantically come up to you just as you’re entering the sanctuary with the choir and say, “The toilet is broken!” You couldn’t get those words out of your mind for the entire service. In fact, they’re still ringing in your ears. In addition to seminary courses on biblical studies, ancient Greek/Hebrew, and theology, they really need to up their game by adding other needed courses like becoming proficient in church boilers, building alarm systems, and basic plumbing skills. While I wish ministry was more about receiving new members, awing the congregation with a great sermon, or having a meaningful prayer with a church member in a hospital room, it’s these more mundane and humbling moments that can make us smile as well.
Make a Ritual to Not Forget Your Ritual
Just before you walk into the sanctuary with the groom and groomsmen for the wedding, always make one last check to make sure you have your official wedding ritual especially if you are still in your first years of pastoral ministry. While extemporaneous prayers and vows are sweet, you just can’t replace the words in that ritual that have been tested over the centuries. But hey, you at least knew to throw in a few “thous” and “thees” to spruce it up so you get a solid B- for winging it that day! Way to go!
Details, Details, Details
For the announcements one Sunday, you were asked to tell the congregation that everyone was invited to go to Lee’s that day for a meal to support the youth mission trip. How were you supposed to know that they meant the Lee’s Famous Recipe Chicken restaurant and not the home of one of your staff members whose name was Lee and was the person who gave you the announcement to read. But it is always good to clarify those announcements first!
Unexpected Worship Guests
At one of your churches, the congregation enjoyed having worship services on the church lawn during the summer each year. The problem was there was so much street noise near the church and people found it difficult to worship. But really what ended this outdoor worship experiment was the stray dog in heat who was a little too friendly toward the worshippers. But live and learn.
How Clumsy of Me!
Note to self: When serving Holy Communion at the home of a homebound member, be careful not to spill the grape juice on her beautiful tablecloth especially if you just complimented her on how beautiful it is.
In Sickness and in Health
When officiating for a wedding, be prepared for anything, like a bride who just before the wedding vows needs to sit down in the choir loft so she can discreetly throw up. Make sure one of the groomsmen gets a damp cloth and a glass of water. That always helps. And when you’re finally ready to resume the wedding, just because she doesn’t faint again, you’re still not home free. Remember, it’s going to be really awkward when you look at the groom and say, “You may kiss the bride.”
Expect the Unexpected
I don’t care how much you carefully plan out the Christmas Eve service but just know that something weird is going to happen, like a stray dog who starts walking down the sanctuary aisle during your opening welcome. But thank goodness, at least this dog wasn’t in heat.
Cords and Chords
If you have a contemporary worship service and use recorded music through the sound system instead of a live praise band, make sure that the extension cord isn’t in the way of any parishioner who might accidentally trip over it and pull it from the outlet. At least the parishioner was OK, but dang, it happened right before we were about to sing the goose bumpy part of that awesome praise song!
Here Comes the Bride
I know that your organist has never missed a wedding in his thirty years of being a church organist, but hey, it can happen. And it did. I liked your idea of substituting the processional music by simply reading I Corinthians 13 as the bridesmaids and the bride came forward so that special moment wouldn’t be in complete silence. That kind of worked. But you didn’t think through what to do for the end of the wedding service. When you announced they were husband and wife and the people clapped loudly that was really nice, but it was really weird to then watch the couple and the wedding party recess down the aisle in complete silence. Kind of a downer. But give yourself a solid grade for covering the processional!
Ministry Isn’t for the Faint of Heart
If you're going to get food poisoning and pass out in church, here's a helpful tip for the future. JUST DON'T COME TO CHURCH WHEN YOU’RE THAT SICK, even if it is a combined Mothers' Day and confirmation Sunday with a packed house. But look at it this way. At least the 7th grade confirmation class who sat in the first two pews and watched you pass out during your sermon will never forget the day they joined the church and neither will their parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, and family members who were in attendance that day. Look at it this way, you made it so memorable for everyone and they still talk about it to this day.
Oh, and as the one who fainted, you won’t forget that day either because as you were being carried out of the sanctuary, one of those 7th graders said loudly enough for all to hear, “Is he dead?”
And one more thing you learned about this fainting story. God really does have a sense of humor because just two days later after you started feeling better, you needed to conduct a funeral and of all the scriptures you could have used to comfort the family, you read this one from Isaiah chapter 40.
“The Lord is an everlasting God…He does not faint or grow weary and strengthens the powerless. Even youths will faint and be weary and the young will fall exhausted but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”
Yes, God really does have a sense of humor!
A Grave Mistake
The memorial service at the church this morning went well. And then the people proceeded to the cemetery for the graveside service.
Verses of scripture reminding everyone of the resurrection and of the hope we have in Christ were read to begin the service and then a prayer. A short scripture followed and then you led in a prayer commending the person's body to the Lord.
What followed was a first for you as a pastor at a graveside service. You closed the service with this benediction which is one of those tried-and-true benedictions that is supposed to send the people off with the knowledge that God is sovereign and will continue to be with us even as we continue to grieve and mourn.
"Now to the One who is able to keep you from falling..."
It was during the word "falling" that you took a small step forward to be closer to the 30 to 40 people who were gathered around the grave. Little did you know as you were concentrating on saying the benediction, that you were also on very uneven ground causing you to stumble forward into the first row of mourners. Acting like nothing had happened and hearing the people chuckle because they couldn't help but notice the irony of the situation, you continued in the benediction,
"...and like I was saying, to make you stand without blemish in the presence of God's glory with rejoicing, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, power, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen."
Yes, indeed. The One who is able to keep us from falling, did so for you in that moment. And the good news is that when you stumble again, God will be there to steady you and help you find solid ground. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.
Don’t Flick the Ashes!
Seminary prepared you for most things related to pastoral ministry except for the needed artistic skill on how to impose ashes on people’s foreheads for Ash Wednesday services. You were doing great as people were coming forward to your station. You love doing this because it’s an important way to help your flock begin the Season of Lent by remembering that we are dust and to dust we shall return. One after another, they came forward and like a pro, you carefully placed those ashes in the form of small cross.
That was until one woman came forward and as you were placing the horizontal part of those ashes on her forehead to complete the cross, a clump of ashes fell from her forehead and onto her nose. Knowing that you needed to remedy this situation quickly, you decided to discreetly flick that little clump of ashes from her nose, but instead you actually made it a lot worse because now the ashes made a straight line across her nose. You could see this was a losing battle, so you wisely whispered, “You might want to go to the restroom and look in a mirror.”
She smiled back and kept smiling for a few seconds indicating that she could see the humor in that holy and awkward moment. And you also learned a valuable pastoral lesson. Never, never flick the ashes!
Stars in the Church
Over the years, you have been privileged to be the pastor of several well-known celebrities. OK, at least by name association. On the lighter side of pastoral ministry, here are some of the celebrity names who were members of your church.
Pete Rose - A very successful farmer, but oddly, you never saw him wear a Reds hat.
Jimmy Carter - He was an educator and you don't even think he was from Georgia.
Cindy Crawford - You golfed with her and officiated her daughter's wedding!
Charles Brown - He was a great organist, but you hear that Schroeder was even better.
Charlie Brown - He loved your worship services unless Lucy was in attendance.
Dr. J – You never saw him dunk a basketball, but he sure was an awesome choir director in your church.
Fruitful Ministry
You have shared humorous and quirky pastoral ministry stories about worship, pastoral care, weddings, and funerals, but don’t forget the one about a continuing education event. One of your churches had an excellent Stephen Ministry program where church members go through extensive training to offer one to one peer support for people who are going through times of grief, life transitions, and difficult challenges.
Your Stephen Ministry leader encouraged you to attend a week long training so that you would be able to help oversee this vital ministry in the church. The training was held at a really nice hotel in Pittsburgh, PA. On the second day of the training you came back to your hotel room at the end of the afternoon session and you were surprised to see a very large fruit basket in your hotel room. The tag said, “From your Stephen Ministers.” You thought how nice this was that the Stephen Ministry training people were giving these fruit basket to the participants that week especially since there were probably around 100 at this training.
When you went down to the group dinner that night, you said to several of the other people, “It was so nice that they gave each one of us a fruit basket!” But nobody had received their fruit basket so then you said, “Oh, maybe they stagger these out through the week.”
You took that fruit basket home with you to share with your family and told them that this is what the people at the training gave the participants. That Sunday at church, you see the person who encouraged you to attend the event and she asked how it went and you shared a few of the highlights of the week. A couple of Sundays go by and she says to you, “Hey, did you happen to get a fruit basket delivered to your hotel room when you were at the training? Our church’s Stephen Ministers sent that and I just want to make sure that you received it when you were there.”
The look on your face must have been priceless! “It was from you?? I am so sorry. I thought it was from the Stephen Ministry team who were leading the training!”
To this day, you still feel bad that you told people that they should be getting their fruit baskets too. But mostly you smile and give thanks to God for all of the fruitful ministry you have been blessed to be part of throughout these past 40 years.
Thanks be to God!
