September 10, 2023
Maybe you have heard of the phrase, “When Methodists meet, they eat.”
This reminds about the story of teacher who asked the children in her class to bring a symbol of their religion to school the next day. They were learning about different religions.
The next day in class, the first little boy tells the class that he is Jewish. And he said that his symbol was this menorah which he showed everyone. And he said that they light it to celebrate Hanukkah each year.
The next student to share was a little girl. She stood up and said that she is Muslim, and she showed them her prayer mat that they use each day.
The next student got up and showed everyone a glass serving dish. The young student told the class, “I’m a Methodist which is why I brought this casserole.”
When Methodists meet, they eat. And on Sundays, we also try to make it to the restaurants ahead of the Baptists.
Today, I also want to talk about something else that Methodists are known for which is when Methodists meet, they will disagree about something.
I remember hearing a Methodist friend of mine who was known to be a little cynical say, “Do you know what the definition of a good church committee is?”
I said, “no, what?” And he said, “a good church committee consists of three people, but only one of them can make the meeting.” Now, that is cynical!
I was thinking of that definition of a good church committee when I started reading and reflecting on our Gospel reading for today. Here in Matthew, chapter 18, Jesus addresses the issue of disagreements that people can have with each other in the church. But he also offers us some ways to find resolution with those disagreements.
Here in our Gospel reading, Jesus takes it another step further by helping us to find resolution when we not only disagree with each other, but when we also hurt each other in the process.
Jesus says that when we feel like we have been offended by somebody in the church, that we first need to tell everybody about it on facebook so that our friends can take our side.
No, that’s not what Jesus tells us to do. Jesus says that it is better if we just talk to that person about it. What a novel thought! Going to that person directly helps us avoid those triangles where we include other people who really don’t need to be included.
You’ll notice that after Jesus tells us to first talk directly to that person, that if there is still no resolution and depending on the issue at hand, that’s when you should include a third party. And if that doesn’t help restore the relationship, and again, depending on the offense, then the last resort is to have the church help to bring resolution.
But for today, I want us to focus on going first to that person before including other people. This can be a touchy topic, I know, but I think it’s important to think about healthy ways to resolve relational conflict.
Several years ago, I attended one of the best continuing education events that I have ever attended and it was about this delicate issue of how to handle relational conflict. And they were pretty much saying the same thing about the importance of first having a conversation directly with that person who you feel may have offended you.
The presenters of that seminar said that as we already know, there are healthy ways and there are also unhealthy ways in dealing with conflict. And here is what they shared at this seminar. Now, I had to pay a lot of money to attend that event, so you are getting this information for free today. You’re welcome!
So, the first thing they shared at this seminar in dealing with conflict is to as Jesus tells us to do in today’s scripture reading to first go and share with this person how you felt that you were hurt or offended.
And when you share your feelings with that person, it’s so important to use “I statements,” like “I am feeling frustrated” or “I was disappointed when you,” or “I felt angry when you did what you did.” Those kinds of “I statements.”
And they said that what we tend to do instead of using “I statements” is that we use “you statements.” “You statements” would be when we say to someone, “You make me so mad” or “You are making me lose my patience,” or “You are frustrating me.”
Those are examples of “you statements” that aren’t very helpful because all that does is put the other person on the defensive by saying “you” instead of taking ownership of your own feelings by using “I statements.” “I feel this way.”
So that’s the first thing. Use “I statements” instead of “you statements.”
By the way, I share this information on conflict resolution whenever I offer premarital counseling to couples. We spend a whole session on this topic. We talk about healthy ways to share feelings with each other, especially when we feel offended by what the other person did or didn’t do.
But I also talk about the importance of sharing encouraging and uplifting words with the other person on a regular basis because we can easily forget to take time to do that. So, sharing our feelings of appreciation and love for the other person is vital in having a healthy and happy relationship with someone. These are what we cover in pre-marital counseling.
I have had many couples after they have been married for a while thank me for sharing this information with them before they got married because it has helped them to have open and honest communication with each other, a key ingredient in having a healthy relationship.
During this continuing ed seminar, they also talked a lot about what to do if you are on the receiving end of someone sharing their feelings with you.
And they said that the best way to respond to someone, is to first of all, be a good listener and just let them share their feelings with you. It all starts there. And that means to not interrupt them or become defensive.
I know, this seems impossible to do because our tendency is to become defensive right away. Sometimes we do the “fight or flight” response technique which isn’t the healthy way to find resolution with the other person.
That’s why the first thing is to just be a really good listener and not interrupt the other person. Let that person share their thoughts and feelings with you.
They even said that to help you not get defensive as the person is sharing with you is to imagine that you are holding an umbrella in your hand and to pretend that the words they are sharing with you are like rain drops that are falling around you but not hitting you directly.
I kind of like that image. Just let the rain drops fall around you. You’re not ignoring the person’s words, but those words aren’t hitting you directly. Instead of thinking of it as criticism, think of it as information that is important for you to hear. Just let the person share. Be a good listener and don’t be defensive.
Here is the really difficult thing about not being defensive as someone is sharing with you. Even if you feel that you have been misunderstood by that person or they don’t have the full context of what happened, don’t be defensive. Give that person the space to share their feelings with you.
And during the seminar, they shared to not just be a silent listener but to let the other person know that you are actually listening to them. So maybe say things like, “I didn’t know you felt that way” or “I appreciate you sharing this with me” or “thank you for bringing this to my attention.”
And then here is the real challenge in all of this if you are the person on the listening end of the conversation. Resist the temptation to share your side of the story until that person is ready to hear you.
I know, I know. This feels really impossible. That fight or flight approach is usually our go to defense mechanism. But it’s actually the way of Jesus.
Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek, to go the extra mile, and to not see each other as adversaries but as brothers and sisters in Christ. And if it’s a situation that is a non-church conflict, to remember that the other person was also created in the image of God whether they are part of a church or not.
I also think of our Romans scripture reading for today when the Apostle Paul says how the commandments in the Bible can be all summed up with one word, “love your neighbor as yourself.”
Loving our neighbor is by offering unconditional love toward each other and seeking all measures to stay in relationship with that other person and finding reconciliation. We also pray this every Sunday when we pray The Lord’s Prayer together. “Forgive us our trespassers as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.”
I’m thinking that Jesus gave us this prayer because he knows that it’s not easy to be one of his disciples. This is an example of how living out our faith in our day-to-day living can often feel counter intuitive. But Jesus invites us to work at it every single day.
Working at having healthy and authentic relationships requires a lot of self-control, patience, humility, and unconditional love.
How many of you watch the Hallmark Channel, especially those Christmas Hallmark movies? Have you ever noticed that the story-line is always the same?
Two people who don’t hit it off right away but you can still tell that they really like each other and you know that it’s just going to be a matter of time before they will become a couple, like maybe a half hour into the movie.
But near the middle of the movie, one of them does something that is hurtful toward the other person and a lot of times it’s just a misunderstanding. But then toward the end of that Hallmark movie, they end up getting back together again. Why? Because one of them takes the initiative to share their feelings with the other and the relationship is eventually restored. Happy ending!
As much as I don’t enjoy watching these movies, maybe we can learn something from them even though the fake snow in these movies is really obvious. And what we can learn is that for relationships to be healthy and long-lasting, it’s important for us to provide a safe space for each other where we can share our feelings and be good listeners.
But this isn’t just true in Hallmark movies. It’s also true in marriages, and in our relationships with others at work, in school, in the community, and here in church.
The challenge is to not give up on the other person who has offended you.
The challenge is in being willing to share “I statements” with each other.
The challenge is not becoming defensive when someone shares their thoughts with us.
John Wesley, the founder of Methodism once said, “Though we cannot think alike, may we not all love alike? May we not be one heart, though we are not of one opinion? Without all doubt, we may. Herein all the children of God may unite, notwithstanding these smaller differences.” I have always appreciated that quote from John Wesley.
Which brings me back to what I said earlier. What are Methodists known for?
When Methodists meet, we eat.
When Methodists meet, we will probably disagree with each other, but may we also be known to be of one heart, and specifically, strangely warmed hearts.
And the good news of our faith is that this is possible, because as Jesus tells us in our Gospel reading today, “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am in their midst.”
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